It is time to stop looking for others to guide us to inner peace. It is time to look in the mirror and see our teacher. It is us; it has always been us.

We have been looking for signposts to guide our way and somehow we tend to get caught up in another's story and their interpretations. The bookcases full of books we all have may have been helpful and uplifting in some cases but after awhile we realize in different ways and in different words, they all say the same thing: inner peace is within us.

There are self-proclaimed or not gurus and spiritual teachers everywhere and an exciting new product to buy to help us find enlightenment at every turn. They all hold the hope that we can make it; we can get where "they" are. There is no 'where'. We are the ones we are seeking.

It sounds so simple as we put down the books and discuss it with our friends, but then life happens and we are challenged to respond in non-attachment and allowance rather than falling back into the same old thinking and reacting patterns of lower vibrations. How do we actually create and sustain the process within ourselves?

Look in the mirror. There is the person who knows, who contains the essence of inner knowing and always has. This person knows by an inner resonance. There is a felt sense of knowing what is true in the heart and the body. When this person is quiet and calm, the inner voice can be heard whispering the way. This person is each one of us.

A life has been lived by each of us and continues to evolve from fear to love if we make a higher vibrational choice in every moment. Our entire life is a meditation. Each one of our lives is continually pointing to that which yearns to be gathered into love. Sometimes we are embarrassed by choices we have made in our lives but these points of guilt and shame are the very points of healing for us, if we are willing to hold them in the transforming light of acceptance.

Sometimes we may feel victimized by relationships or events in our lives. In order to be a victim there must be a persecutor for us to blame for our troubles. And then we hope for a rescuer to ease our pain. That 'saving grace' may come in the soothing form of another person, approval, chocolate, sex, TV, drinking, something to smoke, shopping, anything that suppresses the painful feelings for a while.

If we can see the distressing event as a gift for our growth, a doorway of opportunity to learn how to love ourselves more deeply, then we create our own process of healing. We become our own 'saving grace.' Observing the distress within a state of mindfulness, we bring our full attention to it. We learn to hold the circumstance with compassionate awareness as it dissolves. By allowing the highest vibration of compassion, we transmute the fearful thoughts into light. We take responsibility for our lives rather than turning our attention outward to temporary external solutions.

The life that has been living in fear keeps knocking on the door of healing which is our heart. Our stories contain every bit of wisdom we need. And then we realize that we are not our stories. We remember that the earth is a classroom for our learning. Our own particular stories were created by our souls to help us transform the places of fear into places of awareness and acceptance. And in that way our human opaqueness becomes translucent and luminous and the world becomes brighter because of each individual process of courage to open to what is.

It is our job to hold those points of blocked light in an embrace of compassionate awareness. We know those areas of resistance better than anyone else. The old proverb says when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. So often we thought it meant someone else was coming to help us find the way. We are the way.

The signposts on our path are the circumstances and relationships in our life. We become our own best friend who will never leave us as we continue to act out of that place of self-compassion. We are not our life stories. Our lives are not something that happens to us or is done to us. Our lives are our most profoundly creative meditation and our path to inner peace.

--Andrea Avari, Ph.D.

We have all heard this advice before. No matter how wonderful togetherness feels in a relationship, it is still crucial for partners to take time for themselves. There is simply no way that a man or a woman can fulfill all of their partner's needs; it's just impossible to do. Too often people will give up a favorite hobby, sport or pastime in the beginning of a relationship in order to devote more time and energy to making the relationship work. But, what happens down the road when one or both partners realize that they are terribly out of balance and not taking time for themselves? Relationship stress, miscommunication, or worse: resentment and emotional pain can result.

It is healthy to have different interests. In fact, giving up our own interests and the little things that we do to nurture ourselves when a relationship starts will eventually lead to resentment down the road.

It's important for both partners to value quality relaxation time. There is absolutely no need to feel guilty about spending time alone. Independence is good for both men and women, no matter how close they may be in the relationship. Typically, when one partner actively takes some alone time, their partner is encouraged to do the same.

How our differences compliment each other:
Just as men and women have different needs in a relationship, they also have different reasons for needing time to themselves. Too much togetherness usually results in partners expecting too much from each other. Women may tend to smother their mates, while men may seem cold and uncaring. It is healthy for each partner to take time out to explore his or her individual interests.

What Men Need:
Men need to periodically pull away. Remember that men are like rubber bands. It is his natural cycle to get close, pull away, and get close again. It is important for men to fulfill their need for independence. Men automatically alternate between needing intimacy and autonomy. Give a man his space and he will be a better, more attentive, partner. When a man gets too close and doesn't pull away, he often experiences increased moodiness, irritability, passivity, and defensiveness.

Also, when a man is in his cave, he wants to be left alone. He is working out his problems and frustrations by either doing something alone, like reading the paper or watching TV, or doing something active with his male friends.

Most men are happy when their mates do something fun for themselves at these times. It means that she is not sitting around waiting for him to come out of the cave. He will come out ready to talk and be intimate again, and she will have curbed her frustrations by being good to herself and having some fun.

What Women Need:
It is good for a woman's self esteem to take care of herself. She can get wrapped up in taking care of her family and forget how much she needs to nurture herself. Particularly when a man is off in his cave, she can enjoy the time alone to go shopping, work in her garden, go to a class at the gym, or simply languish in the simple pleasure of soaking in a hot bath with a glass of wine.

It is especially important for a woman to cultivate relationships with other women. Women need to talk about what's happening in their lives. On Venus, this is an important part of relationship building. Since this is not the case on Mars, it is wonderful for a woman to get together with her girlfriends so that they can talk about, and listen to, each other's problems, without judgment or offering unsolicited advice.

Couples can even plan these separate times apart. For instance, Tuesday could be his poker night with the boys, and Thursday her night for dinner and a movie with her girlfriends. Both partners will not only appreciate the time to do the things that make them feel good, but will come back feeling renewed and excited to be in such a healthy, well-balanced relationship.

-- John Gray